Story idea: A letter written from a far-away planet, in every sense an ordinary correspondence but with occasional passing references to alien weather, flowers, fauna, etc. A romantic letter from a lover in outer space.The injunction telling us to “murder [our] darlings” says nothing about where or how to dispose of the bodies. And so many of us do with them more or less what Norman Bates did with his mother. Stuffed into sagging shelves, tucked into file folders and notebooks—reams of dead inspirations on yellowed paper, to be perused during fits of writer’s block, as if somehow our own dead words might spring to life and rescue us from artistic decrepitude.
Campaign against public buses masquerading as trolley cars.
Dust settled onto the knick-knacks, on the lids of canned fruit and tomatoes, on the brown shoulders of the gallon bottle of Taylor Cream Sherry, into the nooks and crannies of doilies, the braids of the rug, the folds in her Japanese fans, the slats of her blinds, the gold-pocked fabric covering the speaker holes of her brown Phillip’s radio, made of brown Bakelite.
Park Slope yuppie talk: "We've kept the grand ballroom intact and we have a library."
Woman wetting dry dog's nose.
WASP eating habits: potato salad, macaroni salad, borcht w/ yogurt, Russian salad. Mayonnaise fetish. Arterial sclerosis.Tell me you’ve never had so little faith in your power to generate new words that you’ve gone, in despair, after the old ones like a kid prying chewing gum from the bottom of a church pew. Tell me you’ve never been so creatively down at the heels that you’ve gone slumming in your own refuse heap for an inspirational bone or two. We’ve all done it, all of us who justify ourselves by filling pages with words. We excavate our verbal compost heaps in hope of finding a fresh carrot or potato growing there, and turn up nothing finer usually that orange peels, sodden coffee grounds, egg shells.
“Be careful going down those stairs.” Lights turned on and off. Sort of house people get murdered in. Smell of basements. Dust and debris. People who never throw anything out. “When it doubt, throw it out.” You can learn a lot about people from their basements.
Mr. B's wife's former husband Congressman.
Titles of books put on shelves. June suspects him of stealing book; sees it in his shoulder satchel; he thought Mr. B had lent it to him.
Jan. 21, ‘04—at Wave Hill (post being stood up by J —):
- A biography (D. Schwartz)
- A loose but nonetheless satisfying bowel movement
- The sun striking the Palisades, heralding an icy walk home
- The search among long shadows for my own; for a way to be in this world from which I’ve fled, or has it fled me?
Yet sometimes amid the rinds and refuse a glimmer catches my eye. I’ll read a sentence with curiosity, admiration even, finding it full of surprises and delights, fragments equivalent to unpaired socks, and as useless.
X spilling his salad dressing, blaming the world for his clumsiness, cultivating his phobias like a squirrel hoarding nutsI dreamed of the plotless novel. Miller, Becket, Genet, Joyce, Durrell—all wrote plotless books. Why not me? Why bother with all the grim determination when great writers have shown that it can be done without? Prompting the following faulty syllogism: a) "Tropic of Cancer is a great novel." b) "Tropic of Cancer has no plot," therefore c) "To write a great novel, simply dispense with plot."
I have never been enlightened in my life, not for a day, or an hour, or even a minute. Wisdom is not something that sticks to me.
When do we get to be artists?
“The frilly skirts of waves teasing the shore.”—Nabokov
- —cheap cigar smoke
- —blue whales
- —distant mountains
- —Siberian Husky eyes
- —cardiac arrest
- —frozen winter nights
- —faded color movies
- —black holes
- —subway grime
- —metal stained fingers
- —rubber bullets
- —tarnished silver
- —dried blood
- —missing teeth
- —wet streets at night
- —eclipsed moons
- —electrical tape
Ergo, Pure Flux, the working title of my plotless book. Not only would there be no trace of plot, there'd be no characters, so settings, no scenes, no useful information, and few if any worthy ideas, nothing of psychological, historical, scientific, or social significance. A pure book, unsullied by such things, consisting entirely of fragments detached from whatever meaning[s] they might have had within a given context—as pure and without external reference as, say, an abstract expressionist painting. Archibald McLeish wrote, “A poem should not mean but be.” My novel would mean nothing and furthermore be unrelated to or representative of anything above, beyond, or outside itself, the verbal equivalent of a Rothko or Richard Pousette-Dart.
“Like trying to preserve soap bubbles.”For sure I wouldn't be the first to write such a book. Henry Miller did it with Tropic of Cancer —a book by turns shocking and dull—much duller now that I'm no longer eighteen and in love with audacity. Yet Miller's book isn't without ideas. It's deeply misogynistic, for starters, vile in its assessment of all things human, and especially hard on those to whom the starving author held a hand out. And there are scenes in Tropic of Cancer, and characters, too—surreal scenes and caricatured characters based on the men and women to whom the starving author owed his sustenance. A gob of spit in the eye of God, Miller calls his book, but this serves him too well; it's more like a bucket of bile spewed up by Miller in gratitude to his benefactors.
All these people who think water will save them.
He breathes rare air.
Beckett counting his farts.
He lay splayed on the rock with his eyes closed, the noon sun painting abstract masterpieces under his eyelids. The sun warm, the air cool, no sound but the wind through the trees, the honking of geese, a distant dog bark.
I feel this close to being an artist.
So long as things are in flux, everything is possible. As soon as they solidity all the bright possibilities turn to gray stone.
At the Mercantile Library. The dust and silence settle like a cloak on me. Tunneling mole-like through the cool, dusty stacks. Librarian’s relationship with mother. Toward the end: infrequent visits and long afternoons of poker. Phone calls with reports of the latest deaths. First baby sitter, etc.
“It was evening. I had just crawled out of the shelter for my evening guffaw and the better to savor my exhaustion.”—Beckett, Malloy
“When you lay in the grass you were under the azure map of clouds and sailing continents, you inhaled the whole geography of the sky.”—Bruno Schultz
Tsvetaera: The Noise of Time
But long before Miller spewed his bile there'd been plotless masterpieces, Huysman's A Rebours (Against the Grain or Against Nature, 1884), for instance, with its garden of poisonous flowers, mouth organ of chromatic liquors, and banquet of all-black foods (olives, caviar, blood pudding). But Huysman's book is very much about something: fin-du-siècle decadence. And what it lacked in plot, characters and drama is more than made up for with its tour-de-force set-piece descriptions. My plotless masterpiece would go further, dispensing with narrative altogether.
By that measure at least two other novelists—if you can call them that—came closer. One of these was Fernando Pessoa, the Portugese poet who, when he died of cirrhosis in 1935 at age forty-seven, left behind a trunk full of unpublished writings, thousands of pages of poetry and prose scribbled mostly on loose scraps of paper, and attributed to a retinue of imaginary characters or heteronyms, each with his own biography, including one Bernardo Soares, whose temperament most closely matched Pessoa's. Pessoa credited Soares as the author of his planned but never completed Book of Disquiet (Livro do Desassossego), a "factless autobiography" consisting of most if not all the prose fragments found in that trunk arranged. To the extent that a "book" exists at all it exists thanks not to Pessoa, but to his editors and translators, who compiled and collated his fragments, and the publishers who bound them between covers. In spite of which The Book of Disquiet remains a fragmented, arbitrary, and redundant performance, unified by its author's obsessive love affair with ennui. Strip away the biographical baggage—Pessoa's and his heteronyms—and what remains is a sort of compendium or commonplace book of tedium, and more than a little tedious itself.
X's sight diminishing. Reads to us more of his “Melanoma Notebook.”Closer to our own time and place are the plotless "novels" of David Markson, one of which is in fact titled This is Not a Novel. Many readers won't disagree. In place of the usual ingredients of a novel, Markson serves up a tapas menu of trivia mainly to do with famous authors and how they met their ends (Gibbon died of complications from a hydrocele, et cetera.). Mixed in with these morbid factoids are occasional lines devoted to the book's only character, referred to simply as "Writer" (note the capital 'W')—who's goal, we learn, is to write a novel without plot, characters, setting, or scenes: i.e. the one we're reading. "Look ma, no hands!" Does Markson bring it off? Arguably, if one describes a novel loosely as a prose work of a certain length that holds a reader's interest and ends well. With its litany of highbrow morbid trivia Markson's book did indeed hold my interest, but only as a bag of potato chips satisfies my appetite without equaling a meal. (As for ending well, the book simply ends, but then one doesn't expect it to do anything else.) In fact with its generous white spaces Markson's book is hard to resist. I kept mine on my night stand and would drift off usually after learning how three more famous writers had died.
Title: Damn it all to Hell
Cupcake Monologues: jokes about cupcakes.Differences between cupcakes, muffins, brioche, etc. discussed. Muffins as renegade or reformed cupcakes: puritan, Episcopal cupcake. Lutheran cupcakes. Purged by the Inquisition. Hidden by the Dutch under floorboards. Do you know the Muffin Man? And did he really wake up so early in the morning? Brother asleep on couch, downing aspirin, in constant need of analgesics, always in pain. “Do you mind if I lie on your bed? I promise I won’t mess it up too much.”
Title: If You Must
Walking with Brother, each telling the other what book he should write. “Why don’t you write a book called Crap?” Write your own crappy book. Peter examining G’s wristwatch, imagining the pain and unhappiness of the man who wears it. The pain absorbed by the face of the watch.
Story: Too Close to Home
But even Markson's book has a subject—its author's unwillingness to bow to the requirements of a standard novel—and thus fails to live up to my dream of Pure Flux. It was left up to me to write such a book. If theme was the stumbling block, my book would do away with it.
He had a terror of crowds, afraid their ordinariness would rub off on him.
He looked with infinite kindness upon the elderly, who wore their sufferings like pearls and could no longer bear the future. The liquid sadness in their eyes reflected his destiny, the future a sky-blue tear.
Worst possible name for a dairy: Golden Flow Dairy
Closer to Pure Flux are the so-called "Waste Books" of Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (produced between 1765 and 1799), books that make no claim to being formal literary works but are merely observations or aphorisms collected by the author as one collects seashells. François VI, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Prince de Marcillac (1613-1680) is best known for his maxims, most of them only two or three lines long. Produced around the same time, Pascal's Pensées appear at first to be nothing but random notes and jottings, many incomplete at his death, though most scholars agree that had Pascal lived he would have cut and pasted these draft notes into a more coherent form, very possibly to their detriment. Then there are writers like Goethe, whose maxims have been culled from other writings and made into books without their author's collusion or approval, so they don't really count. On the other hand, commonplace books or "commonplaces" were albums or scrapbooks of quotes compiled by readers who who, like the grizzled old hermit who builds sculptures out of junk, wished to create something uniquely their own out of other people's words.
My brother danced like a professor, something halfway between a foxtrot and fornication.I know this: that of all the things I've ever written, none are more readable to me than the random jottings in my notebooks. The finished plays, stories, novels, even letters to friends and lovers, all are relatively dead on the page. They don't give me that jolt of surprise that the notebooks do. That's what I want most for myself as both a writer and a reader: to be continually surprised, to write words that, no matter how many times you read them, each time you read them come to you fresh and clean as if you've never read them before.
Title: The Treachery of Everyday Objects
Game: walking down the sidewalk deciding which faces belong to people who would save your life (good faces/bad faces). Man plays this game with wife/girlfriend.
The eternal question: what do I think about when I think about nothing?
Scratchy looking trees, naked branches crackling against the winter-white skyMy dream of Pure Flux is nothing more or less than a dream of producing a book that lives and breathes spontaneously, as though composing itself before our eyes—not written, but thought or felt, without purpose, plan, or premeditation, without contrivance, with no agenda but to exist—to exist as moss and lichen cling to the surface of a rock (what purpose do they serve: what story do they tell? what narrative or theme justifies them?). Imagine words scattered across a page in random patterns like lichen across the surface of a boulder? That's what I long to read—and write.
Poetry: the “radiance”—words that open us up to eternity, that break through the walls of reason and time, that go beyond our so-called understanding to give us a taste of Eden, the “heavenly moment.”
- I want to live in a dictatorship ruled by a ruthless poet.
- I’m so empathetic it’s pathetic.
- I can see by the necktie you’re wearing that you’re a scoundrel.
- If I don’t have a transcendent experience soon I’m going to kill myself.
Tinnitus—this “om” in my head, the undercurrent of the universe, all vowel sounds combined, existential feedback, the humming universe, the immortal/eternal silence announcing itself.
Our worries grow old.